Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize