my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
