maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
