Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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