i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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