So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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