he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
