I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
