New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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