I think my vagina is haunted
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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