I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
