I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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