remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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