based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
