I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
