mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
