Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
