Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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