When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
