you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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