i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
