My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
There's a naked man in my car right now.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
