I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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