I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
