your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
