sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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