So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
