If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
