Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
