A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
