I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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