mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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