He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
