Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
