I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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