Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
