So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
