Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
