You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
