hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
