see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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