According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Watching her eat just hurts me
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
