I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize