porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
