closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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