Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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