WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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