I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
