I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
