we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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