I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
