i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
