Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
