just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
