I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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