I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
it glows. i had to have it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize