i don't plan on having that self control this summer
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
false alarm. still invincible.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
