remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
that's an acceptable place to lick
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
