she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
