he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
