she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
