I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
