I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I miss vodka workout Fridays
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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